The Story of my life...

June 27

one last entry here

I have to many problems when it comes to live spaces....more than I am will to deal with... I would however like to invite everyone to come and visit me at my other page....

http://www.myspace.com/naughtiedame

I hope to see you all there... I will probably end up deleting this page.. not being able to update anything here makes me a little crazy.......

June 18

I have spent the past couple of months in hell....and now I am free I have moved into my own place with my girls and could not be happier. Now that I have my internet hooked up I will be stopping by to visit with everyone on my day off (tomorrow)

I have to run to get to work.

May 14

There is a light at the end of the tunnel

I was always told that the minute you hit rock bottom you would find out who your true friends were. They would be the people standing next to you giving you a hand up, helping you to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For the most part I have lead a charmed life, my friendships were never tested. That is until now. I have been blessed with one very good friend. He has given me a place to sleep several nights no questions asked. He has held me while I cried, he has made me laugh and given me hope. I feel..no I know that I would be lost without him. He will probably never read this, and never know how much his phone calls to make sure I am ok every day have ment to me. But I needed to put it out there , to let it not be one of those unspoken things. It needs to be said..Thank you Jammal for bieng the best friend a girl could ask for. For bieng ok with the red faced runny nose crying days. For understanding that sometimes I just don't want to talk about it I just need to cry. Thank you knowing what to say and when to say it...for knowing when to say nothing at all. Thank you for making me feel safe.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am hurt, angry, I am disgusted with myself for being so blinded to what was going on around me...but I am moving on. My apartment will be ready on the first and I will be moving. Such a small things has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, it has made all the difference in the world to me. But I must admit that I am scared...I am scared about starting over again, I am scared that I will not be able to trust myself and everyone around me again. And this is no way to live.

May 08

Tomorrow

I am sitting here and waiting.

I am waiting for the impossible, the impractical, I am waiting for anything and everything.

I wait for the night so I can cry myself to sleep, I wait for the morning so I can leave this place and pretend to be happy to the outside world. I wait for a smile from someone...hoping it will brighten my day. I wait for a phone call from a friend, I am waiting for a shoulder to cry on. I am waiting for the end of this miserable hell.

I am still living with him, I have to wait for the apartment I am renting to be ready. I have slowly started packing my things and moving them out to a storage building a box at a time. The house seems so strange now with my things disappearing a box at a time. This used to be my home, now it has become a place that I dread to be, a place that I come to catch a couple of hours of sleep. I have so many feelings that are building up inside of me, so my things that I want to say to him but don't...

The other night I was asleep on the couch, I was exhausted. Not more than an hour had passed since I layed down when I was woke up by him screaming at me. What have I done now...nothing as usual to warrant this kind of attack but what the hell I was asleep and an easy target. Instead of jumping in the fight I grabbed my keys and phone and headed out the door. I took a drive giving myself and him some time to cool down. When I returned I was greated by two police officers. What he called the cops on me...me !!! You have got to be kidding. They asked what the problem was here..

Mike comes out and say that it was a false alarm, they pulled him outside to talk to him and then came inside to talk to me. In the end I was given the option of leaving the house or going to jail. I left the house. Once again I have been kicked out..this time for sleeping on my own couch. I call a friend who tells me to come over. He holds me while I cry myself to sleep and ends up sleeping on the floor next to his bed, he tells me in the morning he slept there in case I woke up and needed him. I am back at my house tonight, he is at work so no threat of going to jail but then who know what tomorrow will bring.

I am only human and can only take so much, I have dealt with the cheating husband...the no home.. and now the almost going to jail. I want this to be over. I am waiting to be free, I am waiting for my chance at bieng happy. I am not sure if I even know what that is anymore, or how it is suppose to feel, but I want my chance to figure it out. I waiting to wake up just one day and feel the sunshine on my face.

April 18

This is not the end.

I have had several people ask me to keep my site going. Trust me I have no intentions of shutting this page down. I am right now just trying to keep my head above water....

I have been horrible about visiting all of your pages, this will change I promise don't give up I will be back to visit as soon as I can manage to focus on somthing more than the chaos surrounding me. I just wanted to thank you all so much for stopping by to lend me your support, it means more to me right now than any of you will ever know.

I got answers to my questions today..not really the answers that I wanted but answers none the less. He has someone else in his life, and has had someone else in his life for sometime. I was just not enough for him, or maybe I was just not the right one for him. Either way I am better off knowing. I am better off on my own as much as it hurts...this to shall pass. I am tired of bieng the one that cries, that hurts, the one that is not needed. I am a good person with a good heart and he has just lost the best thing that ever happened to him.

April 17

No more tears to cry.....

The room was silent, I sat there on the couch across the room from him waiting for him to say something....anything, but there was nothing left to say.

There are more questions than there are answers. There is more empty space between us that seems to be growing bigger with each passing day.

I have cried, screamed, and questions myself for days on end. What did I do wrong? What could I have changed? What is wrong with me?

The questions are coming faster than the answers, the mindnumbing silence in the house is choking me. It is sucking the life out of me leaving behind an empty shell of the person that I used to be.

All I have ever wanted was for him to come home and love me the way I loved him, to want me the way I wanted him...for him to need me as much as I needed him everyday. These however are the things that I never got.

It was so easy for him to move on. So easy for him to just walk away and forget me. So easy for him to find someone to replace me. Did I ever matter at all to him? Did he ever love me even in the slightest measure? Does loosing me hurt at all?

April 04

I am

I am getting divorced.

I am starting over.....again.

I am scared.

I am overwhelmed with a feeling of insecurity.

I am alone.

I am lost.

I am hurt.

I am angry.

I am loosing my mind.

I am not sleeping.

I am crying.

I am tired of wearing my heart on my sleave.

I am numb.

I am waiting to smile again.

I am wanting to feel safe.

I am strong and will survive.

I am taking one thing at a time.

I am getting divorced.

March 23

The end....

I'm bored...

That was the only thought in my head. I want to get out of the house.

So with my daughter if tow we climbed in the car for a midnight drive. A harmless midnight drive. I was angry, angry with myself, with my husband...with the way my life was speeding out of control.

My cell phone rang an hour after I left the house....I had no intentions of answering it. I did not want to talk to a single person on the face of the earth....I just wanted to drive.

There was a beep...a message. OK lets see what it says.

" I hope you are enjoying your date! Lets just call this what it is"

Ok not sure what the hell that was all about but it got my blood boiling.

Thirty minutes later the phone rings again....followed by another message.

"I want a divorce"

He did not just ask for a divorce through my voicemail...oh its on, I am pissed.

I drive home as fast as I can without getting pulled over only to find that I have been locked out of the house. I have my daughter with me ..what the hell am I going to do. I can't get him to answer the phone, the door, or my constant banging on the window.

Fine if that is the way he wants it...

I climb back in my car and call the closet person that I know and ask for a huge favor

" I need to call in a favor, do you have a place that my daughter can sleep I have been locked out of the house...I will explain when I get there"

The next morning I come home...he wants me out...so sure that I am cheating on him.

I tell him fine you want it...you got it.

Now that I am on my way out the door he wants to make things work.

When I am right here in front of him he does not want anything to do with me...when I am heading out the door he wants to make it work....

It seems you always want what you cant have.

I am still at home...

Am I trying to make it work....well no. I am just living. Waiting for the time when I have enough money in my pocket.....

I guess there is no happy ending in store for me!!!!

March 19

Another year has come and gone

Today is my anniversary. Not for a wedding, a first date, or even a first kiss. Today is the anniversary of the day I almost died. Today is the anniversary of the day I got a second chance. What follows is the story of that day fourteen year ago. I was a troubled teenager, always up to no good.

It was 3:00 and friday,the school bell had just rang and I could not get out of the class and to my locker fast enough. I stopped to talk to a few friend about plans we had for later that evening, then out the door to my car I went.

As I walked across the parking lot I noticed that it was a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight. I climbed in the car, rolled down the window, cranked up the stereo and was out of the parking lot in a flash. No seatbelt and today would be the day that the decision not to wear one would save my life.

I took a right at the first dirt road, the backroad home. A cloud of dust kicking up behind me the radio blarring in my ears. Little did I know seconds later my life would be changed forever. I have very little memory of what happened that day, and most of what I know was told to me by family, EMT, and police officers.

The next couple of minutes after I turned the corner on the dirt road are all a blur to me. The next memory I have is a feeling a pain across my face and in my chest. I felt hot metal against my leg I was pinned, I could not move, I did not know where I was or what had happend.

Then I saw him, a tall man with a very calm look in his eyes telling me everything was going to be ok....then the world went black.

I woke up in the hospital surround by doctors, police, family and friends. I was scared and all i could remeber was the pain and the strangers face.

"What happened"

"You were in a car accident young lady, and you are very lucky to be alive."

"What time is it"

"7:30"

"How long have I been here"

"About an hour and a half"

I had been thrown through the windshield of the car my foot had caught on the stearing wheel, that was the only thing that kept me from bieng ejected totally from the car.The engine had been pushed through the dashboard of the car and was resting inbetween the passenger and drivers seat, and had left a nasty burn on my right leg. Had I been wearing my seatbelt I would have been crushed under the engine. I had a fractured wrist, a concusion, and three broken ribs. The position that I had been pinned in against the hood of the car had kept my ribs from puncturing my lung. I had laid there for three hours before anyone found me.

I was given a second chance, a second chance to embrace life. To live, laugh, and love.

March 16

Still I muddle through......

For the past year I have done what is expected of me.. I have been the good housewife, taking care of the kids, the house, the bills and anything else that should happen to pop up. That was until six months ago. My efforts within the house have not been notice, I have not been noticed, it is as if I have become a ghost in my own house. But still I muddle through.

I can hear the key in the door, I roll over and the clock say 6:27. My husband is home from work, deciding that it is still to early to greet the day I roll over cover my head with my blanket and drift back to sleep. At eight in the morning I climb out of bed and into the shower, fix breakfast for my son and prepare to start my day.

With a warm cup of coffee in hand I find my favorite spot on the couch. I have been up and muddling around the house for about an hours and have yet to hear a single word spoken to me...no a good morning, not a how was your night last night....nothing, just silence.

I attempt once again to force a conversation with my husband....

"How was work"

"Fine"

"Anything interesting happen?"

"Nope"

Ok that subject is not going to work......

"I got Hap some new clothes yesterday, he has grown out of all his pants."

"Yep"

"They were all on sale, I got a really great deal, and I bought them a little bit bigger than he needs so they should last him through summer"

"Hmm"

Was that a grown of approval or acknowledgement....either way the conversation is once again shut down.....

"Do you have anything planned for your days off?"

"Nope"

"Maybe we should call Cromwell, he is on the same shift maybe we could do something?!"

"Whatever"

"I would like to get out of the house for a little while, maybe a couple of hours..I can get a babysitter."(the tone of my voice had now reached aggrivated)

"I think I would rather just sit around here and relax."

"Ok, thats fine. I have a book I have been meaning to read....."

20 minutes later he is climbing into bed, no goodnight..no I'm exhausted and need some sleep...no kiss before he goes to bed....nothing...just more silence.

I muddle through the rest of the day as usual. Around 9 in the evening my husband gets out of bed and gets ready for work...in 15 minutes he is getting ready to walk out the door. I hand him his lunch and coat.

No thank you was spoken..nothing...just more silence.

I walk behind him to the door, and wait for a kiss goodbye......nothing.

The door closes and he is off to work. At 6:27 in the morning I will start the routine again...I will once again try to force another converstaion.......until then I will muddle through the rest of night.....

March 15

Rewriting my life.......

For the past couple of weeks I have spent every night crying myself to sleep, and every waking hour keeping myself from crying. I have drank enough for a small village and turned to a friend for advise. All of these things are totally out of character for me.

I have always been the person that does not cry...for any reason.

I don't take my problems to others...ever.

However my life seems to be slowly unraveling ...and I seem to have no way of making it stop. Because of this I have changed my persepective on life .....and myself.

Right now I have no energy to elaborate, therefor I will call it a night.

March 01

I have been tagged

TAG OF FOURS

Four Jobs I've Had

1. Cook at Outback Steakhouse

2. Receptionist

3. Telemarketer

4. Juvenile Detention Officer

Four Places I've Lived

1. Oklahoma City

2. St Louis Missouri

3. Red River New Mexico

4. Cali

Four Favorite TV Shows

1. Survivor

2. Loving the new show Black Donalies

3. Lost

4.Big Brother

Four Places I've Been

1. Newport News Virginia

2. Florida

3. Georgia

4. Houston Texas

Four Places I Visit Everyday in Cyberworld

1. Gmail

2. MSN

3. Fox News

4. Jib Jab

Four Favorite Foods

1. Mexican

2. Chinese

3. Peanut butter and Jelly Sandwiches

4. Tuna with lemon juice

Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now

1. On vaction....anywhere

2. Houston visiting my dad

3. Cuddling with my hubby

4. Someplace exotic

Tag 4 others -

You are tagged if you have not done this one yet, if you are reading, or if you have a few minutes to burn!!!!

February 27

A piece of my childhood.

It was already pushing 90 outside and it was only 9 in the morning.....

The smell of the chlorine from the pool mixed with the smell of fresh cut grass and the sound of the tractor steadly humming along was a sure sign that summer was here.

I sat there next to my brother our feet dangling in the pool watching the cows in the yard, harmless overgrow dogs that loved to be scratched behind the ears.

Then it happens....the tractor putters to a stop..out of gas. As if bieng called to the dinner bell, all the cow raise their heads and look in the direction of the tractor, this was their chance...and they knew it. Slowly they turn and one by one start heading toward the tractor...Bubbles in the lead .... followed closely by Star, Tipper and Big Daddy Bull. No doubt getting ready to hatch their master plan of "Chaos in the field".

Tommy looks at me and starts to laugh. We knew what was about to happen.....

Minutes later the quiet of country was broken by screams....followed by hysterical laughter. The screams were dads, the hysterical laughter was from me and Tommy.

The master plan had worked! Dad was trapped on tractor in the back of the field and the cows were circling him like birds of prey circle a dead carcass. The cows had won again!

Between our hysterical fits of laughter we could hear Dad yelling....

"Get away from me before you become my dinner...."

"Do you really want to be a steak"

"I promise you are going to be a juicy hamburger on the grill if you crazy cows don't get away from me"

He was terrified and he hated the cows... they knew it and used it to their advantage.

After about 20 minutes of laughing at the Dad and the cows, we made our way out to the tractor.

I walk up to Bubble, the leader and master mind, scratch her behind the ears and like a happy puppy she rubs her head against me wanting more attention. I pat her back and tell her to get to the house...knowing the game has come to an end she slowly walks away all the other cows following behind.

Once again dad has been saved from the cows.....

February 20

Just running through

I will be back to post something later....

February 11

Happy Valentines Day!

He moved out...he said the he needed to find himself.

I watch as the last box was loaded in the back of the truck, fighting back the tear that were now welling up, he turned and smiled and said..."see ya later". As I watched him pull out of the driveway my heart sank into my stomach and the tears began to run down my face. I sank to my knees and cried my heart out right there in the garage.

That was it he was gone....in 30 minutes my whole life had been turned upside down. I was mad as hell, I was hurt, and I hated him.......

I picked my self up off the floor and walked back into the house. I sat at the kitchen table numb to the world for what seemed like hours.

There was only one thing left to do......drink. I pulled the bottle of tequila out of the freezer and poured one shot after another until there was no use for the shot glass anymore.

The next day I decided that I could not stand to live in that house anymore....

Within a week I had found another house in a different city and started packing my things. By the time I got all my stuff pack, loaded into the truck and drove to the new house it was almost midnight. There was only one person that I knew that would be up and willing to help get my stuff into my house.

I gave this long time friend a call and like a knight in shinning armor he was there with eight of his friends including Mike to get all my belongings into my new house.

In no time at all the truck was unloaded and the whole event had turned into a 'good bye asshole house warming party'.

One by one everyone started to leave, all that was left was me, my friend and mike. I started talking to Mike....he was funny, sweet, and very good looking. By the time he left at six in the morning we had exchanged numbers.

A month passed...then two and I had not heard from Mike, he had not called....I had not called him.

Then one day there he was at my door, a sweet smile on his face and flowers in hand.

One night, three years later on valentines day, we were watching a Friends rerun when he turned to me and said "I want to do this for the rest of my life"

Bieng the smart ass that I am, I said "What? watch Friends reruns on my brokedown couch"

He said "No smartass....spend my nights with you in my arms"

I sat there next to him frozen...unsure of what to say next. When he pulled a ring box out and asked me to marry him. It was not on a big screen at a basketball game, it was not at some fancy resturaunt with the ring baked into some desert, it was nothing like what you see in movies.....it was perfect and I said yes.

We were married a litte over a year later on March 18, 2006.

I look back on that day in the garage and could not be happier that my life was turned upside down, it gave me the opportunity to find everything I ever wanted!

February 07

Finally a little down time....

The past couple of days have been very long....

Monday I had to go in and open the store, now mondays are busy enough as it is with new movies coming out on tuesday and the wall having to be rearranged, but this monday was insane. I got to work and there was a stack, 192, of movies on the back desk that had to be taken care of...none of them had tags on them so I had to search every movie on the wall and read bar codes to figure out which ones I had up front...a very long project. Doing this ment that I did not get anything else done. I did not get any paper work done, did not get the wall rearranged and did not get all the movies in the sales area put back in order. All of this had to be done before close because of course we had to do inventory that night. I finished the 192 movies at 5 just in time for me to go home and get dinner cooked.

At midnight I went back to work to help do inventory.....I got home at 5 in the morning, very long day. My son got up at 9, so yesterday I was running on about four hours of sleep and had to work from 2-7. Needless to say I was draggin ass by the time I got to work at two and my boss was nice enough to notice and let me to 5. I went home and sat down in the recliner flipped on the news and I was out, at least for a quick cat nap. I got up at 8 and cleaned the house up and messed around with the kiddos for a bit.

Today I have a day off...a much needed day off. I went and did a little bit of shopping, mostly I just looked around but I did end up buying a new wallet.

Question of the day :

Why do men refuse to stop and ask direction when they are lost? If you know the way does you significant other listen to you when lost? When was the last time you were lost

I don't know why my hubby won't stop and ask for directions...and if I know the way and he gets lost ..listening to me is not an option, although if I don't know the way ..it was probably my fault that he got lost in the first place. The last time I got lost...I have never been lost YET, I mapquest everything, or stop and buy a map.

February 05

Is it Monday already?

This weekend was not very exciting, saturday I got and piddled around the house for about two hours then drove across town and dropped my son off at grandmas house so I could go to work. I got off of work about 1 in the morning and came home to a completly empty house....the girls were at their dads, hubby was at work, and shorty (the 2 yr old) was staying with grandma all night....it was kinda like bieng single again..I don't miss those days coming home to a empty quiet house.

I ended up opening up a bottle of wine and sitting in front of the computer writing emails, playing games, and listening to music until 4 in the morning.

Sunday I got up bright and early and went and picked the girls up from their dads house and then headed to the grocery store. I needed supplies for the game, and of course I ended up buying more than just food. I bought a new pair of tennis shoes and a blue hoody zip up sweatshirt. After the trip to walmart, I ended up at Barnes and Noble. My daughter bought a book, a set of pens that she really liked, and a new sketch book. I was in search of book.....The Salvage Sister.....the lady said she had just sold the last copy but would be more than happy to order one for me. I declined...I will just end up running to another bookstore to see if I can find it there. I have been trying to get this book for about six months now, everytime I go into Barnes and Noble they seem to have just sold the last one. So I gave up finding my book for the moment and went home to clean house and do some laundry. I got the house clean and all the food out just in time, ten minutes after it was on the table everyone was here.

I had to be at work at 8 so I did not get to watch the whole game, but I have to admit I am more interested in the commercials. I have to run and get ready for work, I will do some blog walking later.

Question of the day!

If you saw someone drop at $100 bill from their pocket, and they didn’t notice they’d dropped it, would you alert them to it? What if it was $1 or a $20? Or some change? When is it finders keepers and their loss is your gain?

If someone drops a $100 dollars I am going to pick it up and hand it back to them, I would even do that with a $20 and probably even a dollar. Change, well I would not pay much attention and would not pick it up myself, I drop change all the time and leave it where it lands. And I don't know when finders keepers comes into play, I think that I would want someone to hand me back the money I dropped should it happen, so I am going to do the same for them....karma is a bitch.

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