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June 27 one last entry here I have to many problems when it comes to live spaces....more than I am will to deal with... I would however like to invite everyone to come and visit me at my other page....
http://www.myspace.com/naughtiedame
I hope to see you all there... I will probably end up deleting this page.. not being able to update anything here makes me a little crazy....... June 18 A fresh startI am free!!!!!!
I have spent the past couple of months in hell....and now I am free I have moved into my own place with my girls and could not be happier. Now that I have my internet hooked up I will be stopping by to visit with everyone on my day off (tomorrow)
I have to run to get to work.
May 14 There is a light at the end of the tunnelI was always told that the minute you hit rock bottom you would find out who your true friends were. They would be the people standing next to you giving you a hand up, helping you to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For the most part I have lead a charmed life, my friendships were never tested. That is until now. I have been blessed with one very good friend. He has given me a place to sleep several nights no questions asked. He has held me while I cried, he has made me laugh and given me hope. I feel..no I know that I would be lost without him. He will probably never read this, and never know how much his phone calls to make sure I am ok every day have ment to me. But I needed to put it out there , to let it not be one of those unspoken things. It needs to be said..Thank you Jammal for bieng the best friend a girl could ask for. For bieng ok with the red faced runny nose crying days. For understanding that sometimes I just don't want to talk about it I just need to cry. Thank you knowing what to say and when to say it...for knowing when to say nothing at all. Thank you for making me feel safe.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am hurt, angry, I am disgusted with myself for being so blinded to what was going on around me...but I am moving on. My apartment will be ready on the first and I will be moving. Such a small things has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, it has made all the difference in the world to me. But I must admit that I am scared...I am scared about starting over again, I am scared that I will not be able to trust myself and everyone around me again. And this is no way to live.
May 08 TomorrowI am sitting here and waiting.
I am waiting for the impossible, the impractical, I am waiting for anything and everything.
I wait for the night so I can cry myself to sleep, I wait for the morning so I can leave this place and pretend to be happy to the outside world. I wait for a smile from someone...hoping it will brighten my day. I wait for a phone call from a friend, I am waiting for a shoulder to cry on. I am waiting for the end of this miserable hell.
I am still living with him, I have to wait for the apartment I am renting to be ready. I have slowly started packing my things and moving them out to a storage building a box at a time. The house seems so strange now with my things disappearing a box at a time. This used to be my home, now it has become a place that I dread to be, a place that I come to catch a couple of hours of sleep. I have so many feelings that are building up inside of me, so my things that I want to say to him but don't...
The other night I was asleep on the couch, I was exhausted. Not more than an hour had passed since I layed down when I was woke up by him screaming at me. What have I done now...nothing as usual to warrant this kind of attack but what the hell I was asleep and an easy target. Instead of jumping in the fight I grabbed my keys and phone and headed out the door. I took a drive giving myself and him some time to cool down. When I returned I was greated by two police officers. What he called the cops on me...me !!! You have got to be kidding. They asked what the problem was here..
Mike comes out and say that it was a false alarm, they pulled him outside to talk to him and then came inside to talk to me. In the end I was given the option of leaving the house or going to jail. I left the house. Once again I have been kicked out..this time for sleeping on my own couch. I call a friend who tells me to come over. He holds me while I cry myself to sleep and ends up sleeping on the floor next to his bed, he tells me in the morning he slept there in case I woke up and needed him. I am back at my house tonight, he is at work so no threat of going to jail but then who know what tomorrow will bring.
I am only human and can only take so much, I have dealt with the cheating husband...the no home.. and now the almost going to jail. I want this to be over. I am waiting to be free, I am waiting for my chance at bieng happy. I am not sure if I even know what that is anymore, or how it is suppose to feel, but I want my chance to figure it out. I waiting to wake up just one day and feel the sunshine on my face.
April 18 This is not the end.I have had several people ask me to keep my site going. Trust me I have no intentions of shutting this page down. I am right now just trying to keep my head above water....
I have been horrible about visiting all of your pages, this will change I promise don't give up I will be back to visit as soon as I can manage to focus on somthing more than the chaos surrounding me. I just wanted to thank you all so much for stopping by to lend me your support, it means more to me right now than any of you will ever know.
I got answers to my questions today..not really the answers that I wanted but answers none the less. He has someone else in his life, and has had someone else in his life for sometime. I was just not enough for him, or maybe I was just not the right one for him. Either way I am better off knowing. I am better off on my own as much as it hurts...this to shall pass. I am tired of bieng the one that cries, that hurts, the one that is not needed. I am a good person with a good heart and he has just lost the best thing that ever happened to him.
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The Story of my life...I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. If that makes me a b*tch then so be it I embrace the title and am proud to bear it!!!
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